Blog-achella-geddon 2012! Jacques Of All Trades

No time for a pithy opening remark today, so...

I'm gonna skip We Were Promised Jetpacks today although I do sympathize with the name. I'd like to know where the fuck my flying car is, too. IT'S 2012! WHY AM I STILL ON THE FUCKING GROUND?!?!?

Anyhoo...

Jacques Lu Cont



Who he is: He is actually Mr. Stuart Price, a Brit who for some reason wants to pretend he is French. Maybe it's to explain how bad he smells. He also goes by Les Rhythmes Digitales, the Thin White Duke (for remixing) and about 10 other aliases. He's probably most famous for his collaborations with Madonna (i.e. Confessions On A Dancefloor). We shall call him Stu-Jacques.

What he sounds like: Whatever you wanna call him, Stu-Jacques has been a dependable source of funky House for over a decade. And while he mostly does his thang as a much-in-demand remixer these days (for big Pop acts like The Killers, Seal, Gwen Stefani... you get the idea), I'm gonna take you in the way-back machine for a stone cold classic...

Les Rhythmes Digitales - Jacques Your Body (ysi)

What I think: I'd have to imagine this would be a DJ set... and probably one of the better ones of the weekend. But nonetheless, I offer you this. Make of it what you will...



I must say, if that really is a live tune, ol' Stu-Jacques is a heck of a bass player. Anyone know for sure?

Blog-achella-geddon 2012!: The many uses of "shit"

Before we get back to the big list, I just wanted to let you know that I'm gonna post up a bunch of the old DJ mixes I've done for the blog (which aren't available anymore) on the Mixcloud. Here's the first, click and get a Brazilian. I'll wait...

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And now back to your previously scheduled program...

Suedehead is what happens when a bunch of white people from Orange county with no soul try to start a soul band. "But, Tone", you say, "there's a black guy in the band." That's the thing... THERE ALWAYS IS! That's how they get you. But the thing is... the black guy's from Orange County, too. "Ahhhhh", you say...

It seems like this Destructo guy has been around for a while... the name sounds familiar to my old raver ears. But seems that he's part of the whole HARD kiddie fidget house crew, so I scoff...

Mt. Eden sounds like a nice place until you realize all the radio stations there play nothing but fart-inducing Brostep...

We Are Augustines? No, you are a poorly-named Indie Rock band I'm not even comfortable giving a "meh" to...

Now, I fully suspected that I would be giving some love to Dragonette since they've made those fun jams with Martin Solveig lately, but you know what? On their own, they're kinda just some so/so Electro-Pop...

And you're gonna start to think I dislike Dubstep if I keep shitting on all these Dubstep acts, but I posit that it is they who are picking shitty Dubstep acts. Like Borgore. Shitty. But our next act is hot shit. In case you're confused, that's a good thing. "Shit" is a very flexible adjective...

Gary Clark Jr.



Who he is: From Austin, Texas we have a young, honest-to-goodness bluesman.... Huzzah!

What he sounds like: A little bit BB King, a little bit Jimi, and a little bit Hip-Hop (in attitude and funkiness). I'd read Rolling Stone's raves about this guy and become interested... after listening to his debut EP, I've become converted...

Gary Clark Jr. - Don't Owe You A Thing (ysi)

What I think: Brand new authentic, funky-ass Blues? Sign me the fuck up. And he does not let down live, which shouldn't surprise you...



Hell yeah...

Blog-achella-geddon 2012!: What's In A Name?

Allrighty! Time to start Saturday!

And the first name on the bill is Pure Filth Sound which appears to be a collective of Dubstep DJs from LA. So... maybe something bad, maybe something good. And then we get our first new discovery of the day...

Keep Shelly In Athens



Who they are: A boy/girl group from Athens... Greece. You thought I was gonna say Georgia, didn't you? But then this would probably some twangy Indie Folk shit and not on this blog. BTW, I hear Greece is a just incredible place to vacation right now...

What they sound like: A throwback to the old Chick + Knob (twiddler) tradition (see: every act of the '90s), making sexy downtempo with sexy vocals and being generally sexy. And it's got a little bit of the Chillwave vibe to it on a couple of the songs which gives it enough of an update to not sound completely derivative of '90s Trip-Hop. Dig it...

Keep Shelly In Athens - Cremonia Memories (ysi)

What I think: I wasn't expecting much from an act with a name this shitty, so needless to say I am pleasantly surprised. Here's a short set courtesy of the mighty KEXP to wet your whistle...



Nice stuff, but seriously... change the name. It's awful...

Blog-achella-geddon 2012!: Many Swedish Things

Finishing out the Friday lineup with some stone cold playaz... but first...

We start with Arctic Monkeys, who are just "meh" for me. They got a couple good ones, don't get me wrong, but yeah... "meh"...

Refused is some legendary Swedish Punk band that I've never heard of. I'm not really sold on the whole concept of Swedish Punk, though. I mean, Sweden's pretty fucking awesome. What do they have to be pissed about? You gotta be pissed to be punk, no?

I believe I've mentioned this before... but for some reason Pulp is the only big Brit-Rock band I just never gave a shit about. I don't mean that in a bad way... I mean I have absolutely no opinion of Pulp either way. Wouldn't know a Pulp song if I tripped over it. And I am totally okay with that...

And Swedish House Mafia... oy... tell you what. In the interest of saving time, I'll just say they can eat a bag of dicks. Swedish dicks. Which are just like Swedish Fish, except that they're dicks...

Which brings us to your Friday headliner...

The Black Keys



Who they are: Akron's #1 sons, especially since that other dude took his talents to South Beach.

What they sound like: They just sound better and better...

The Black Keys - Gold On The Ceiling (ysi)

What I think: These guys have gone from "eh, they're kinda interesting" to "you know, this is pretty good" to "the best American Rock band, period" in the space of a few years. Why? Because despite being very (and in the drummer's case, VERY) white, they are well in touch with their inner black men, which is pretty much the key for making good music. Because you know what you get when a band isn't in touch with their inner black men? This...


We're from the streets... well, actually it's more of a cul-de-sac

... and we can all agree that's not good. But you wanna see something good? Here's the Keys from last year's Coachella... the whole dang set, no less...



Thanks, Interwebs!

Blog-achella-geddon 2012!: Get Yo Mope On

Am I going all soft on ya? You be the judge...

I was gonna do a post on Explosions In The Sky, as I like 'em well enough... but I find the post I did on them back in '07 to be hee-larious and you should just read that. Because I KILL ME!

(Slaps knee repeatedly)

Then we have the musical turd burgler known as Afrojack. This video tells you everything you need to know about this assclown...



Yep. Nailed it. Those are all real songs, btw... Just fucktastic shittery, wouldn't you agree?

But hey, I'm sure there are people that would say the same about this next act, but 1) this isn't their blog and 2) I heard they had Herpes...

Mazzy Star



Who they are: You know who they are and you know you fuckin' love "Fade Into You" when you're feelin' all grey and moist so stop hatin', haterz.

What they sound like: You'll be surprised to hear that their new album is being produced by... Afrojack! Ok, not really... Did I get any of you on that one? Huh? Did I? No?

Mazzy Star - Lay Myself Down (ysi)

What I think: I don't think there's anything wrong with liking Mazzy Star. Hope Sandoval has a great voice so fuck off...



See what I did there? Dropped a little 120 Minutes on your ass. Boom. YOU CANNOT RESIST!

Blog-achella-geddon 2012!: Eyes down

Hey everyone, it's Valentine's Day... LOVE ME, DAMMIT!

M83



Who he is: Mr. Anthony Gonzalez up there... another Frenchy. He's got friends to help him play live, though...

What he sounds like: You like big epic synth pads that go on for days? You'll love this guy. He's added more vocals as of late... his own, no less... and still managed to not suck. That may seem snarky, but sometimes it's better when producers don't dream of being singers. I'm looking at you Moby...

M83- OK Pal (ysi)

What I think: You might not think that something this shoegaze-y would be my cup of tea, but hey... we all gotta brood sometime. You know you used to be down with Ride and Slowdive, so don't front. Besides, I randomly saw him live a few years ago at Coachella before I had really heard any of his music and quite liked him. So there...



And it just gets mopier tomorrow...

RIP Whitney Houston

DJ SS - Black (ysi)

Blog-achella-geddon 2012!: I came, ISAM, I conquered

It seems that every year there is one electronic act at Coachella with an audio/visual experience that tries to top anything done before. We'll get to this year's in a second. But first...

GIRLS is, to start, a band of two dudes, so eyes rolling already... I mean, can a couple of dudes who call themselves GIRLS even possibly be any good? (The answer is no.)

Jimmy Cliff I got no problem with... but since when did Tim Armstrong become the go-to White Guy Reggae Guy? Because he had a Ska band 20 years ago? It sure doesn't have anything to do with Rancid (who kinda lived up to their name... never a fan). I mean, the you only have to go as far as THE VERY NEXT ACT ON THE BILL to find dudes more qualified in White Guy Reggae...

IT'S THE HEAVY HEAVY MONSTER SOUND! But I don't need to write a whole post about Madness, do I? Do I really?... Didn't think so. You can go watch a video and get your skank on at the Facebook page however...

And I got nothin' against Cat Power, per se... but at this point, "meh". Which, one way or the other, is never a word anyone will use to describe...

Amon Tobin



Who he is: The Brazilain beat man has been around for quite a while now, and here's a fun fact: Not only is his real name Amon Tobin, his real name is Amon Adonai Santos de Araújo Tobin. That's a name you'd love to touch (but you mustn't)...

What he sounds like: Tobin is known for laying down some of the fiercest beats in Drum & Bass, but that shit is nowhere to be found on his new record/multi-media mindfuck ISAM. This stuff is atmospheric, disjointed and downright creepy...

Amon Tobin - Lost Found (ysi)

What I think: No matter what you think of the tunes, this show stands to be this year's Holy Shit Moment, right up there with past extravaganzas like Daft Punk's Pyramid, Etienne De Crecy's Cube, the Shpongletron and the Shadowsphere. If you haven't already seen what I'm talking about, enjoy this little teaser...



If you miss this for something like Afrojack, you are a fucking idiot.

(Too harsh?)

(Nope.)

Blog-achella-geddon 2012!: Tom Brady Can Suck It

Gotta start this post with four simple words that equal excellence: New. York. Football. Giants! Another great win and another amazing game. I bet Tom Brady went home and cried himself to sleep on his supermodel...

See, that's why I hate that guy. EVEN WHEN HE LOSES, HE WINS! Fuckin' prick. I hope Welker moustache rapes him. Anyhoo, in celebration here's a NY band. How's THAT for on-the-nose?

The Rapture



Who they are: One of the bands that started the whole Dance-Punk revival (or whatever the hell you want to call it) waaaaaaaaay back near the dawn of the century.

What they sound like: A little bit o' Rock, a little bit o' Dance, and a whole lot o' catchy... which is scientifically proven to be a solid formula when done right. And these guys certainly do it right...

The Rapture - Never Die Again (ysi)

What I think: Although the new record didn't give me the hugest boner on first listen, there's definitely plenty to like. Plus, unlike a lot of these whippersnapper bands that are playing this thing, these guys actually have something called a "catalog", which comes in handy. Don't miss 'em...



GO BIG BLUE!

Blog-achella-geddon 2012!: Hating on Adolescents

I mean, as if kids aren't annoying enough without being infinitely more talented than you. Little bastards. More on that in a sec...

... but today we start with Marlon Brando's favorite band, The Horrors. GET IT?!?! I KILL ME! But seriously, folks, these guys kinda have a bit of an Echo & The Bunnymen thing going on (shocking) which is sometimes better than others. I do quite like one of their tunes, and you kind find that on the Facebook page...

Also, we have M. Ward, who's just as "meh" as ever. It's called consistency, people... something today's featured artist is not old enough to even know how to achieve...

Madeon



Who he is: He's that kid in the picture. No really. He's 17. He's French. He's playing Coachella. I hate him so much.

What he sounds like: His sample heavy house is kind of like if Daft Punk fucked Akufen. I'm telling you, this kid has absolutely no business being this good at music. I wanna punch him in his little French face...

Madeon - Shuriken (ysi)

What I think: Oh, and as if THAT is not enough, watch what the little shit does with Ableton Live and a Novation monome controller thingy. This will freak your shit out. HE'S BARELY GOT PUBES, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!



GET OFF MY LAWN!

Blog-achella-geddon 2012!: Fuck you, shirtless guy!

Mucho bummed about the passing of my man Don Cornelius, but more on that later perhaps. In the meantime, here's an artist that could definitely rock Soul Train...

Frank Ocean



Who he is: The crooner in the Odd Future posse. I'm not really sold on their whole thing, but this guy's the exception.

What he sounds like: It's that new, moody R&B that's been growing on me lately. Not to mention The Weeknd again... but it's this guy and The Weeknd that are the ones doin' it best. Hell, I can almost even get behind Drake... almost... Now I know this song has been blogged a-plenty, but how can I not blog a song that talks about Coachella in my Coachella blog? Say that shit five times fast...

Frank Ocean - Novacane (ysi)

You are in luck today, 'cuz this song comes off an amazing free mixtape that you can grab right hurr.

What I think: I think "Novacane" was easily one of the best songs of 2011 and I'd want to see this guy based on that song alone. You know the Coachella lines will make everybody all like "WOOOOOO!" and it'll be one of those nice moments... then, of course, some sweaty, shirtless guy will bump into you, somehow transfer 2 gallons of sweat into your shirt and your entire being will reek of his musky man-scent for the rest of the day. Oh, and somehow he knocked your phone out of your pocket, but you won't realize that until you're at Amon Tobin and then you'll be so pissed that you won't even properly enjoy it. Then all your friends will be like "HOLYSHITAMONTOBINAMAZEBALLS!!!!" and you'll be like "fuck off" and go sulk in a corner while the girl you were trying to get with all day gives the guy in the better mood a blow job. THOSE BASTARDS DON'T TELL YOU ABOUT THAT PART ON THEIR FANCY WEBSITE, DO THEY? Where was I? Oh, the Youtubes...



'Til next time, and watch out for that fuckin' shirtless guy...